I’m in such a weird but pretty good place these days. I think.
I’m a solid medium.
This time four years ago, I was the heaviest weight I had ever been. I didn’t think about how the food I was eating affected my body or health. I just ate what I wanted- whenever I wanted. I drank lots and didn’t think about the damage of sugary drinks. My coffee was loaded with sugar too. And I was drinking at least a can of soda a day. Food wasn’t my enemy by any means- but I certainly didn’t have a good relationship with it and I didn’t view it as a pathway to health. I hated how big and unhealthy feeling/looking I was, but I didn’t think that I could actually make real changes to ultimately lose weight.
This time three years ago, I was consumed by calorie counting and my body was dwindling down to the lowest weight I had ever been. My size went from being healthy to scary and I feared being fat and hated my body more than ever before. Food had become something to be afraid of- it was no longer my friend. And I tortured my body all in the name of being skinny and what I thought was “healthy.”
This time two years ago, I would have said I was fully recovered from the orthorexia I developed from obsessing over health, weight, and exercise. While I was far from where I was a year prior- when I started work with a registered dietitian to gain weight and be at peace with my body- I still had a long road ahead of me. It would take two more years (and counting honestly) to really love the skin I’m in- be okay with whatever my physical appearance is- to view food as nourishment and love again- to fully work out the kinks in my relationship with what I eat- and to at long last feel FREE.
And now here we are today. I’ve swung my body to two crazy opposite sides of the same spectrum and I think it’s finally settling on somewhere in the middle. I’m a solid medium. I live life, eat what I want, am mindful about food splurges and the unhealthy stuff, love taking care of myself, know what feels good and what doesn’t, don’t overexercise, only workout when its not stressful and because I genuinely enjoy it, try to have more fun, allow myself to sit and relax more, and all in all- I’m just not driving myself into the ground, being really hard on myself, or vehemently hating what I see in the mirror.
I like the me that I am today. I like the solid medium happy place that I’ve found. It’s been a long journey and I’m sure it will only continue with more twists and turns- but I can handle it now. I “get it” now. It took years of hardwork, education, and trial and error to figure out what works best for me and I think I’m just about there. For now.
I still have the mindset of being who I was five years ago- I absolutely love food and having a good time. But I also have the mindset of who I was three/two years ago- I love to take care of my body and the confidence that comes with knowing that you’re taking care of yourself. I took the pros from both sides of the spectrum that my body has been on- molded them together- and now they make up the person that I am today.
Hi, my name is Allison and I’m a solid medium.