Two Days In

Here’s the significant things that have happened in my life since we’ve last spoke:

  • I finally learned how to make fudge (!!!)
  • I made a whole lot of cinnamon orange marmalade (thanks maggie!)
  • Christmas Eve (obviously)
  • Christmas (duh)
  • I chipped my front tooth on my crockpot (yeah, I don’t understand how it happened either it’s fine)
  • I purchased the Gwen Stefani eye shadow Urban Decay palette (it’s a game changer)
  • I started watching the Great British Bake Off on Netflix (it’s so addicting- the most calming/relaxing TV show that ever existed)
  • I became the owner of some adult coloring books and colored pencils (yes yes yes)
  • I rang in the New Year with some good friends, good food, too much champagne, and a great guy (perfection)
  • I started journaling- like with a pen, in a notebook, old school style.

Now. I’ve been blogging for years at this point. And in general, I feel like we all share so much of our life through pictures and words online in some way shape or form. But writing just for writings sake? I haven’t done that in ages. Gone are the days where I’m writing papers for school too. No more prompts- no more assignments. I’ve just been blogging. Which is awesome! It really is. But writing more deep, introspective personal stuff just to get creative juices flowing and get to know myself better? No no.

I used to keep a diary when I was in middle school and high school. All of which have been thrown away by the way- I think I found them while packing for college, hidden in my room, and was mortified by them.

But now- the idea of writing just for me… it sounds so appealing. My current job isn’t as creative as it used to be so I think that’s part of the reason why I’m gravitating toward things like- canning foods at home, coloring books, and journaling. I also feel like I’m in a rut- trying to figure out my next moves in life and if I’m really being the person I want to be.

I was reading a million plus blog posts about resolutions for 2016- ending feeling uninspired and honestly, kind of stressed. I had no resolutions I wanted to make. I couldn’t think of a thing. No theme- no motto- no mantra- nothing. Until I was reading Jessica’s post about things she loved in 2015 and that she wanted to continue in 2016. Journaling was one of them. She mentioned these prompts from Life Captured Inc. and I was intrigued.

Because you see… I don’t think I would write just to write. I would procrastinate and put that off like crazy. The reason I still blog is because there is some sort of accountability involved- people read what I write, look forward to my posts (hopefully), and I honestly like crafting the content that I’m putting out there. SO the idea of monthly writing prompts intrigued me- there is structure. It’s not just go write. It’s, hey every month here are twenty different questions you should answer to get your brain moving around and to practice writing.

So I started working through the January prompts this morning and one of them was about what I want in the new year. I should of known. I started to get a little anxious again- crap crap crap I have no idea- resolutions? what resolutions? no resolutions over here. But as soon as I put the pen to paper- words starting flowing out.20151230_084936Here’s a tiny segment of what I wrote down:

I wake up in the new month of a new year excited at the promise of a clean slate… but also terrified. With another year gone by comes the realization that time is flying by. It’s not stopping for anyone. This is the first new year that I don’t have a clear picture of what’s ahead… and I feel sort of scared. Years ago were defined by weight loss and health. Last year was about jobs and moving. This year?

I find myself nervous that I won’t live to my fullest potential. Probably a silly fear because I’m a perfectionist- but I guess I just so badly want to live my best life and I’m worried I’m doing it all wrong. I really need to enjoy the journey more and not the destination. Life isn’t just a series of tasks I can check off- it’s right now, it’s in the next moment, it’s always. I need to stop worrying and just roll with it all. Take it all in. 

I guess the first step in living the life I feel I deserve is being a person a feel good about. Being less selfish- more compassionate- more grateful- less gossipy- a better listener- a better friend, sister, girlfriend- throwing less blame around- keeping my cool- spending less- saving more- giving myself grace and not hating on my body and my choices- writing more- having creative quiet time- I honestly feel like I could go on an on. 

Part of being less selfish for me is not thinking so much about my physical appearance- not letting those thoughs consume my day and dictate my mood. Upon looking in the mirror, stealing the energy my brain was about to use tearing myself a part, declaring I’m beautiful and enough (with my round face full of love and joy and youth) and stopping there. Moving on to bigger and more important things. Freedom from self-hate and obsession with open up new opportunities for self discovery. This I hope anyway. 

I want this year to bring clarity. Love. Empathy. A solid sense of self. Definition. I want to be my best self that I can be in every moment and love that person wholeheartedly-

I know that might read a little rambly and stream of conscious and cliche but it’s honest and I hope you get the idea. Be better, care less about petty things, give more of myself to others, and grow. That’s about it I guess. I wasn’t going to put this out there but thought I’d share for the sake of accountability. They’re not really resolutions- more like general ideas and concepts I’d like to remind myself of as I move forward in 2016.20151226_144931Journaling is pretty cool. Blogging is pretty cool. I hope to do more of both in the new year 🙂

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