Patience

I wasn’t planning on posting today. Literally just this week I said to myself, hey you, you should set regular days that you post on the blog to hold yourself accountable to writing. Oh yeah, and so people will know when to expect stuff. So I decided- Monday, Wednesday, Friday. Those would be the days.

But that was before this moment- a little after 2am going into a Thursday- where I felt the need to write something to publish for the sole purpose of getting it off my chest and out of my head. I’m writing this in the wee hours of the morning… three hours before my alarm for work is supposed to go off. I have a feeling I won’t need the alarm. My body and mind are hell bent on keeping me up for whatever reason it is this time.

This blog post is titled patience for two reasons:

  1. I’m trying to find some patience with every fiber of my being right now. It gets really tiring having your body rebel against you no matter how hard you try to take care of it. It can be easy to want to cry, scream, thrash around, and get angry. And I do those things- trust me. But I try not to. They just make things worse. My body is my body afterall- I am one with it and so its silly to make it my enemy. So I try and be patient and compassionate with myself as much as possible on nights like this (even if it feels impossible).
  2. I’m quietly listening to the Lumineers new album. It’s so good. There’s a short instrumental track called Patience and its so pretty to me. It reminds me in a way of It’s so beautiful. They’re not actually that much alike, but the Coldplay number played on loop got me through some pretty dark times- and I can tell I’m treating Patience the same way. If you haven’t listened to the Lumineers new album yet, seriously give it a try.

If you’re going to be up all night, you might as well have good company.

This week has been rough. And when I say rough, I mean ROUGH. Lately, I go through periods of time, 2-3 days, where I feel really good and like I’m actually making progress in getting better. I even feel, dare I say, normal. GASP. And then there will be one bad night where I can’t sleep and that will tailspin into 2-3 days of darkness where I’m sort of a zombie, energy-less, not myself, sad, and frustrated beyond belief. I see it as a relapse of sorts.

This week though- I haven’t had any days of things being good- a handful of moments here and there- but that’s it. I’ve gotten ten hours of sleep in total in the past three days… and yet, here I am- unable to go to sleep. It’s almost laughable. In a sad twisted way.

The truth of the matter is, I‘m exhausted. More exhausted than I’ve ever been. Not just physically, but emotionally. I feel like I’ve been fighting something for years. But I don’t even know what I’m fighting.

It’s like I’m in this pitch black cave with a massive, scary giant trying to kill me. And I can’t see at all. I keep desperately swinging my arms to fight him off, but I don’t even know what I’m swinging at. He hits me back hard and throws me to the ground. I keep fighting. He keeps tossing me to the side. I can’t quite figure out how to defeat him. I’m slowly learning his weaknesses, ways to better tackle him, feeling him out with my other active senses, but I still can’t fully grasp what I’m fighting. There’s only so much I can do without being able to fully see the scope of what I’m dealing with.

I’ve had to conform, readjust my lifestyle, and give up a lot. I’ve had to adopt story after story about what’s actually wrong with me- grasping to any answer that seems to make the most sense at the time. It’s tiring and annoying. I’ve had to adopt this narrative as a sick person and I hate it because that’s not me. I don’t want to be that.

I’ve read and been told to do a million plus things that may or may not help or fix an issue. I’ve tried to eat and not to eat every type of food that’s out there. I’ve tried so many combinations of things that I’ve basically entered into information overload. I’ve reached the point of ad nauseam.

 

My dream life right now would be someone telling me exactly how to structure my days. Give me exactly what to do and what to eat. Don’t leave room for me to make any choices or have to plan. I don’t have the energy. Just tell me what I need to do and I’ll do it. I don’t care.

That and not having a full time job, student loans, rent payments, and bills. OH and being on a beach reading, sleeping, and absorbing all of the sunshine.

Find a way for that to be my life right now and you’ll forever be my favorite person in the universe.

Of course I’m being negative right now. It’s past two in the morning, what do you expect? I swear a lot of the time I’m actually pretty positive about everything. I know I’m definitely not going to get better being all complain-y. Positivity and compassion for your situation makes things a million times better. But I’m allowed to have mopey moments of pure disappointment and tiredness, right? Right. That’s now.

Sigh. I’ll figure it out I’m sure. Just gotta keep on with this whole patience thing…

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